Grapes and cracks and things

I've been working hard to eat better -- sometimes that means eat less, but also it means not eat so much processed crap. I am REALLY fond of processed crap, so, you know. It's a learning curve. Part of that is also about trying to prepare more of my own food for cheapness reasons. Having a nice peanut-butter-and-banana on whole wheat is doubtless better for me than a Chipotle burrito bowl, in addition to being cheaper. Of course, cooking for yourself is not always cheaper, especially when you're not great at it (don't forget the hovertext there), but overall it's a worthy direction to go in, I feel.

I'm also trying to do more of the thing where you shop mostly at the edges of the store instead of in the middle. Of course, at my grocery store one edge has the fruit and vegetables and chicken breasts and stuff, but the other edge has beer and tampons, so. It's not a perfect system. But I'm trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, is what I'm saying. Bonus: I feel a lot less guilty housing a pint of raspberries than I do a bag of goldfish.

I am not a huge fan of vegetables. I like vegetables, I will eat vegetables, I find certain ones delicious. But I rarely crave vegetables. Except maybe sweet potatoes. And tomatoes, which are really a fruit. Lettuce, salads? I tolerate. Also, vegetables don't work well for snacking, and I am a champion snacker. I'm not going to sit on the couch and eat handfuls of spinach or a zucchini.

Fruit, on the other hand, I legitimately love. In the summer, if I could, I would happily eat three peaches a day. I love peaches like no other. I also love the shit out of some red raspberries. Whenever they go on sale I will buy a container and just eat the whole thing (if you let them sit for more than like, two hours they will start getting moldy anyway -- I'm pretty sure I have NEVER opened a container of raspberries that didn't have at least one slightly moldy one). I don't love apples by themselves, but I'm a HUGE fan of apples and peanut butter (that's one apple, sliced, with peanut butter on each slice) and I often enjoy that for a light dinner. And I love bananas. I usually have at least part of one with lunch. And if you offered me a bowl of ice cream or a bowl of strawberries, I would be likely to pick the bowl of strawberries. If they were washed and de-stemmed I would definitely pick the strawberries. (Unless it was coffee oreo ice cream.)

The other day I was at the grocery store wishing it was peach season, and out of the blue I remembered GRAPES! I don't know why I stopped eating grapes. They were basically my favorite food when I was a kid. Maybe I got sick of them from eating them so much. In any case, I'd gotten out of the habit. I thought, "At last, a cheap and healthy food that I can nosh to my heart's content." Of course, at the register I nearly fainted because the bunch was like six dollars. It is, after all, winter. And $3.99 a pound doesn't seem like that much for, say, one zucchini, but grapes are heavy. But it was all right because they were GLORIOUSLY DELICIOUS.

Today I got to the store and there was a sign right on the window for grapes at NINETY-NINE CENTS A POUND. I believe I was muttering "MOTHERFUCKING GRAPES" to myself as I almost walked into a store employee, who nicely stopped and let me pass. (Once in a while I have these moments where I remember that the outside world is there and wonder if I come across as a crazy person.) The grapes were so cheap I got TWO bunches. And then at the register I nearly fainted AGAIN, only EVEN MORE SO, because the checkout computer voice announced EIGHTEEN DOLLARS. But then quickly added that I had saved $13.29, because it likes to do that because otherwise you would forget to appreciate your Shaw's card. "PSYCH!" it added. Not really. So instead of $18 for two large bunches of grapes I paid $4.39. NOW THAT IS A BARGAIN.

So now I'm sitting on the couch with a bowl of grapes, munching away. They're like a salad, only probably not as healthy. But about 7,000 times more delicious. Of course, as grapes go, they're kind of sour, which is probably why they were on sale, but shhhh, don't tell me.

The other thing that happened was, I walked home from the grocery store (which is only about half a mile), and I passed this guy getting out of a car, sort of leaning into the open car door, and about six inches of his buttcrack was showing. I STARED right at it, because I couldn't NOT stare at it, it was RIGHT before my eyes. It was so dark and deep in contrast to his skin that I thought he was wearing a thong at first. He had on bright red underwear, which I could see a few inches of, and then kind of bright blue jeans, and somehow the effect ended up being like a crazy, bare-assed Superman. He was also wearing a cowboy hat and speaking Spanish, so it was like some kind of crazy Spanish cowboy Superman porno. This was all a flash of impression (that will be stamped forever in my brain), and I walked on. And now I eat grapes. To forget.

My life, I tell you. It is an unending roller-coaster ride of seeing people with their pants falling down and saving money on grapes. It's a wonder no one has tried to make a biopic of me.