I think euphemisms are funny. And I was thinking about it today as I was in CVS (goodness, I seem to do all my deep thinking in CVS), so I thought I'd post a few here that I find especially amusing.
(Note: This post might be gross and/or offensive. As I will be mentioning stuff that we usually have euphemisms for, without the euphemisms. You probably could have figured that out if you'd thought about it, but I thought I'd warn you anyway. Offense is not meant.)
I'm talking about everyday euphemisms that we all take for granted (some of which aren't even euphemisms anymore because they've taken on the meaning of what they're meant to euphemize). So not so much with the "sexual relations" or what have you. More like:
1. Family planning.
This is what got me giggling. Family planning means condoms. And birth control (another euphemism) in general. You would like to plan your family/control any births that might possibly be happening; in other words, you would like not to get pregnant while bonking a dude (or vice versa). Abortion means stopping something that's begun, so that works too.
2. Feminine care.
Also in CVS, but I didn't actually run across it today. Ladies, take care of yourselves! Sop up the blood when you have your period. ("Period" -- also a euphemism, but one of those that doesn't really work anymore.) There's ALL sorts of euphemisms for that, actually, but most of them are more funny than polite, and therefore not really in the scope of this: Aunt Flo, my friend, my time of the month, riding the cotton pony, falling to the Communists, checking into the Red Roof Inn...OK, those last three are from The Onion. I love you, Onion. Anyway.
3. Restroom.
Lots of ones for going to the hole with the water in it and pooping into it. You need a brief rest. Is there a room for that? While you're resting, you might want to poop into a hole. Bathroom, even -- you ain't taking a bath in there. Ladies' room and men's room, sure. Toilet even -- "toilet" is supposed to mean taking care of yourself. Water closet, certainly. Facilities -- so euphemistic as to be hopelessly vague unless the other person already knows EXACTLY what you're talking about.
4. Retarded.
The whole case of "retarded" is fascinating to me. Calling someone retarded is a shitty thing to say. But that, in itself, is a euphemism. It was, I presume, originally meant to be kind. It's a fancy way of saying slowed down. Feeble-minded is I would guess also a euphemism originally. Dumb certainly is -- it means not able to talk. Insane is, well, not sane, which is more polite than saying crazy. (Then you've got words that are not really euphemisms but whose origins are interesting to me -- lunatic I'm sure comes from moon, hysteria refers to a woman's uterus being the root of her craziness [probably while she was checked into the Red Roof Inn], spaz I think is from spastic. Etc.) Anyway, to replace retarded we have words like mentally handicapped, which is now rude (so is "handicapped" in general); developmentally disabled; developmentally delayed; differently abled. All euphemisms for a euphemism that ain't doing the job anymore.
I'd like to interject that I'm in favor of these euphemisms, and I'm in favor of replacing them as the veneer over their connotations wears thin, no matter how wearisome that task may seem to some. I'm not advocating going around calling people retarded because you should tell it like it is, man. I'm not Bill Maher, you know? I like politeness, and I am generally in favor of political correctness because, well, maybe it annoys you that you can't call somebody a Chinaman anymore (note: this happened to me, when my snowplow guy referred to my next-door neighbor that way, in 2008 -- I should have just scooped up the rest of the snow with my jaw) and you have to stop and think of the correct word (hint: the correct word is NOT "Oriental" anymore either), but the Korean-American guy you're saying it to is probably MORE annoyed than you are at having to hear it. And since when is needlessly being rude to somebody a good way to go about life? Then you've got two people who are annoyed at each other. I mean, the guy who doesn't feel like learning not to call people spics or dykes or fags or Negroes or retards might not like being called a mick or a gook or a wop or a frog or a towelhead or a kike or a cripple or a redneck or a fatso or...whatever. And even for people who claim these words, own them, call themselves cripples or wops or whatever -- great, and I'm all for that, but it still doesn't mean you can call other people names and accuse them of being oversensitive, because everybody's different. Just...don't be a jackass (a metaphor, not a euphemism). I know for older folks it's hard and I give them somewhat of a pass (along of course with non-fluent English speakers, because it's hard not to be super clueless about all that kind of subtle stuff in a foreign language), but...try to learn the right words. Don't be calling people colored and queers and retards just to be contrary because the world has changed and you don't like it and you already learned Oriental when you were told not to say chink and now you can't say Oriental anymore even though you already learned it. That's how it goes. You wouldn't spit in someone's face, even if their face was conveniently right there, so don't call them a Chinaman because you can't be bothered to remember that it's more polite to say Asian. There -- soapbox away. Tangent. Sorry.
I'm also not talking about slang words like dong, wang, wiener, dick, pee-pee, etc. Just euphemisms. Like...genitalia, I guess.
Adjacent (heh) to that topic, though:
5. Rear end.
Just about everything that describes the buttocks, except for "buttocks," is a euphemism. Hindquarters: the area of you that's behind. Behind: ditto. Bottom: the part of you that's on the bottom. Bum: Actually I have no idea where "bum" comes from -- maybe it's from a baby falling down; maybe it's short for bottom. We said hiney, which comes from hindquarters. Rump: Hmm, not sure again. Ass/arse: well, I suspect that one's slang, actually. Beehonkus: hee.
6. Relations.
Even though I said "sexual relations" above was NOT what I was talking about, I find "relations" a hilariously delicate way of putting it that, as with "facilities," leaves out any reference to what's actually going on altogether. If I went into all the words for sex we'd be here all night, so I'll leave it at that -- let's just allow that it would be too long and hard, and agree that that's what she said.
Well, I've run out of steam (metaphor). Time for me to eat some macaroni and cheese, which is definitely not a euphemism but a delicious and literal truth.
Yeah, I know I haven't posted since December and I just randomly come in one day with this silliness. My blog! Woo-hoo!
