You burn me out but I'm back at your door...like Joan of Arc coming back for more

I just read that SHIRLEY MANSON, late of the completely beyond awesome band Garbage, has been cast as "the CEO of a cutting-edge high-tech company" on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. You know what that means. ROBOT MANUFACTURER. Aw yeah. At least I'm guessing, as I'm really not a Terminator person -- I've seen the second movie, which I seem to understand by pop-cultural osmosis is the good one, and it was cool and stuff, but action, just generally, is not my bag, and since there were like 40 shows that came out last year that involved sexy ass-kicking human-looking robots and stuff, and I was already well ensconced in the best one, I didn't give a show based on a movie that I don't really care about a second thought. But, dude, if Shirley is a regular, I am THERE for Season 2.

And this turns out to be nicely timed, because I've been all into Garbage again over the last little while (sometimes it seems all I do is get re-obsessed with old bands. I need some NEW bands, man), partly because I keep hearing that Shirley's solo album is coming out any time now, and also just partly because every once in a while I go, "GARBAGE! Man, they are awesome. I should listen to them." And then I do. This happens to me in varying degrees with many bands. I'm like a six-month-old baby when it comes to my sense of object permanence in bands. ("PET SHOP BOYS! You're back! Hooray!" *waves fists delightedly*) Also, just yesterday I was in Newbury Comics and considered buying an Angelfish album (well...THE Angelfish album), which is the band Shirley was in before Garbage, even though I'm sure it probably sucks. (I also considered buying Alien Nation: The Complete Series on DVD. Man, was that a good show. Not, however, relevant to this post.)

Anyhoo. Upshot: I'm going to have to get myself caught up on this Terminator show. And I wish Shirley would hurry up with that album. And I think I'll listen to Bleed Like Me on the way home today.

Sometimes they reach for a fiver and end up trying to pay with a baby penguin. That has to stop, people.

And then it holds up the whole bus line, and everybody gets annoyed, and it's not their fault! Please, let's stop discriminating.

I'M SORRY. I can't stop myself. They just keep being funny. And this one is extra stupid. Sorry. Someday I'll write a real post again. I've got a big one about The Sims percolating. (Everyone: *CLAPPING FOR JOY*)

In the meantime, if you see a blind person trying to shove a penguin in a parking meter, just give them a quarter, won't you? Just help out your fellow man once in a while. /shakes head in disappointment at you

Do they have to be so flamboyant? That's all I'm saying.

I don't really think I need to say anything more. That is one helpful-looking activist. As long as he doesn't try to get a home loan, we should be good.

They do this on purpose, right? They must.

P.S. In a completely unrelated story, apparently there is a missing rooster in Somerville. He watched over the cat! Awww. I hope they find him.

AND a free bookmark! For your large-print books.

My 22-year-old sister, who let her Time subscription lapse last year, just got a renewal offer in the mail. But not just any renewal offer. An offer with a special rate. For senior citizens. Heeeeeee.

It's a pretty sweet deal, actually -- a year's subscription for $20. That's a suspiciously specific $237.40 off the cover price of $257.40. PLUS A MULTI-FUNCTIONING GLOBAL CLOCK RADIO. We're not sure why Time thinks my sister, who probably still has her student rate going for her Entertainment Weekly subscription, which comes from the same publisher, is a senior citizen, but...all right. Maybe they just assume it, based on the fact that she had a subscription to Time magazine. Hee hee hee. (Have I complained about Newsweek and their boomer-centric, nay, boomer-exclusive coverage? I'm sure Time is no different. Heck, maybe they just sent out this "senior citizen rate offer" to every single subscriber. That would save them a lot of market research money and would probably get plenty of hits.)

And it does include a free bookmark, which is all about Time's comprehensive coverage of health issues. The three sample headlines on the back: "Good News About Tea," "New No-Shot Flu Vaccine" (that's a bait-and-switch, right there, because the deck says it's not for people over 50 -- damn you, whippersnappers!), and "The Latest on Fiber." You'd be crazy NOT to take this offer! If you are a senior citizen. (And the fact that I drink tea every day, had high-fiber cereal this morning, and got a flu shot this year is not relevant to this discussion, thanks very much. Hmph.)

I told her she should do it, because you KNOW they will IMMEDIATELY sell that list of gullible seniors and it would be awesome to see the deluge of predatory offers for old-people products that she will instantaneously get. Then she got all excited because she might get an offer for THE JITTERBUG. Or, possibly, even for Old Glory Robot Insurance. Fingers crossed!

Oh, the exclusive, high-end, luxury schadenfreude

So, there's this mall near me. I grew up going there. It's called the Natick Mall and it has the usual -- a Gap, an Express, a bunch of accessory stores, an Auntie Anne's, a Spencer Gifts, a food court. Crate & Barrel or, if you're feeling really fancy, Williams-Sonoma. Of course, there are plenty of stores in which I'm way too cheap ever to buy anything, like Ann Taylor and Banana Republic, but I like browsing and you never know what's on the sale rack. It's the mall. You know.

So lately, some ad wizards came up with the idea to "upgrade" the Natick Mall. To make it an upscale destination. They brought in a Nordstrom's, which is apparently some kind of huge awesome deal and can only be found in certain rare instances when the moonlight shines on the door just so or something like that. And there's a Neiman Marcus too, which...is also apparently a store of some kind. As a matter of fact, the Natick Mall now has an entire new wing of fancy stores. Some of them I've heard of -- Lucky, J.Crew, Anthropologie. Some of them are just the fancier divisions of regular mall stores -- Martin + Osa (American Eagle + fanciness), Madewell (J.Crew + fanciness - preppiness), even Anthropologie is actually Urban Outfitters + fanciness. There's another one that's Hollister + fanciness, but I can't remember what it's called because there's no sign on the door, just "associates" standing outside looking hot. (The not having the name on the door thing is part of the fanciness.) These are the kinds of stores where the salespeople try to forge a personal relationship with you in hopes that you'll be so charmed that you'll drop a grand or so on their tank tops. These are also the kinds of stores where the salespeople bring you a bottle of water, because you are very tired from all that difficult shopping, and they care. (Just what we needed, BTW -- more bottles of water.) In short, these are the kinds of stores that I cannot abide, because I hate overly solicitous salespeople because I like to be left alone to buy my crap in peace, thanks. There's also an Apple store in there, which is always good with me.

Then there are a bunch of "designer" stores and boutiques. There's a Betsey Johnson, I think, and then a bunch more that I'm too uncultured to have ever heard of. And a fancy crepe place. And a bathroom with a couch in it. And apparently a parking lot that you have to pay five bucks for (if you don't feel like slumming it with the plebes in the regular parking lot). Oh, and also luxury apartments, which is straight-up hilarious. (This quote, from that article, was my sister's Gchat message for a while: "Their $1.6 million, 2,200-square-foot penthouse overlooking JCPenney, the DuGallys said, suits the lifestyle they want for themselves and their Chihuahua, Jasmine." I think that about sums up that.) Oh, and I forgot -- it's not called the Natick Mall anymore. It's the Natick Collection. I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that we managed to duck "The Collection At Natick."

It turns out, funnily enough, that having super fancy upscale boutiques at the good ol' Naked Mall (as I used to call it as a baby) isn't working as it is maybe supposed to. In fact, the Globe has an article about it today. It includes the following choice quotes:

After a brisk holiday season, traffic has slowed, on some days, to a near standstill, merchants say. The older part of the mall, which features staples like Macy's and Gap, still sees a crush of shoppers on the weekends, they say. And while Nordstrom is popular, much of the vast new wing - with soaring skylights, concierge service, and fake birch trees - often remains empty.

What's that you say? Regular people still go to the normal mall? But you haven't seen a huge influx of crowds to the part with the fake birch trees and concierge service? Not appealing to the masses? I wonder! Why! That could be! Please go on.

"We had a rough winter," said Betty Riaz, owner of trendy boutique Stil, who pays upwards of $100 per square foot for the Natick store, which is more than her Newbury Street shop. "It's been quiet. Even if you have money, you may not have taste. We have to educate our customers on style. It's hard. I thought it would be easier in Natick."

Oh, please, please do. We are starving for your education. We need a hand up, not a hand out! We may have tough exteriors and seem to put up a "front," as we say in our neighborhood, but beneath it all we really want to learn! How do I reeeeach these keeeeds? /Cartman

Retail analysts say General Growth may have misread the demographics and overestimated the reach of the shopping center. While there is ample wealth in this region - the average household income is about $110,000, nearly double the state average - there is still a culture of buttoned-up Yankees who aren't accustomed to indulgent spending on luxury goods, according to Madison Riley, a retail analyst at Kurt Salmon Associates in Boston.

"They HAVE the money...so why won't they GIVE it to us? Whyyyyy?" AW YEAH! Yankees! I love us! Thrifty-ass Yankees who consider air conditioning indulgent (/me raises hand) (/me notes that she will probably break down and get an air conditioner this year, since /me now lives in a sunny third-floor unit) somehow don't want to truck down to Natick, pay $5 for parking, and buy a bunch of luxury hoo-hah just because some marketing guys think they should? YAY US.

Tesler, who recently visited Natick Collection for a business lunch, said only three other cars were parked in the new premium lot, which charges $5 and is closer to the luxury wing. Over the five times he's visited the mall in recent months, the number of cars in the lot has decreased with each trip.

And yet -- and this is one of the most obnoxious things about this whole deal -- the non-luxury parking is now totally insane. It's like Christmas every day! And I don't mean in the good way! Plus, they started doing that super annoying thing where they make all the traffic one way everywhere so they have room to put in more parking spots. So to even GET to the non-obnoxious parking (which is the garage by Sears -- second and third floor, it NEVER FAILS) you have to drive through an insane maze behind masses of cranky people waiting for other people to back out and blocking traffic because there's now only one lane of traffic because everything is one way. FUN.

"At cocktail parties in Chicago, LA, and New York, they talk about fashion the way we talk about sports. The focus on fashion is less and less as you get out in the suburbs," Tesler said. "That is gradually changing, but there's some education and work to be done."

So much work to be done! Such hard, yet rewarding, work! I wish I had the courage and the spiritual fortitude to dedicate my life to teaching those less fortunate that they absolutely have to have a $2,000 Balenciaga bag or else they are a tacky loser and they might as well kill themselves. Keep fighting the good fight! I wonder if they have a Teach for America equivalent for high-end fashion educators. HOW DO I REEEEACH THESE KEEEEEDS?

Louis Constant, a salesman at Tommy Bahama, which sells high-end resort wear, said he blames slow business in Natick on customers being more conservative with their spending.

Sir, I think you have inadvertently answered your own question here. Exactly how much need do thrifty Yankees HAVE for high-end resort wear? It's May 5 and it's currently 49 degrees out. Just pointing that out. On a related note: I continue to be puzzled by the fact that stores like Hollister, Fancy Hollister With No Sign, and generally the entire "surf wear" thing are still so popular. Again? IT'S MAY AND IT'S 49 DEGREES OUT. Is it just from kids watching The OC and The Hills? I know California is pretty but WE DON'T LIVE THERE, YO. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it, but it's just something I've never quite gotten. Then again, I generally hate the beach, I'm the color of steamed rice, and I wear long sleeves all the time because I'm always cold. So, indeed.

Riaz, owner of boutique Stil, said she has followed Nordstrom's lead and changed the mix of her wares in Natick to include more lower-priced items over the past two months. She now sells T-shirt dresses for under $100 alongside her $800 dresses.

Betty Riaz, I think you are my most favorite high-end boutique owner of all. HOW LOVELY OF YOU TO THINK OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE. I mean, who can't afford a $100 t-shirt dress? If you can't drop a lousy $100 on a t-shirt dress, THEN YOU HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN I THOUGHT! AHA! AHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My one weakness in this whole obnoxious high-end-retail-fever situation is: I love Anthropologie. Like, I want to marry it. I. Love. Eeet. So much. Of course, I hardly ever buy anything there, because it's expensive. (Also, I hate probably 60 percent of what's in the store at any given time, which is how I usually find that things go in stores that I really, really love -- I don't know why that is -- and then probably another half of what's left looks idiotic on me. But oh, I lust in my heart for that remaining, ummm. 20 percent.) Additionally, this is not one of the "expensive" stores at all, and in fact is probably considered populist mall slumming by Betty Riaz's intended audience. Anyway, when the whole Natick Collection falls into the sea, I hope Anthropologie is spared. And the Apple Store too, because I love going in there and stroking the iPhone and gazing dreamily at the giant $1,800 30-inch monitor. But if I really need to do that, I can always just go to Burlington.

Now THAT is some incompetent construction work right there.

First way to tell that the Mob has taken over your construction site: Stuff is on fire! That ain't right! Oh, Big Dig, will you ever catch a break?

No, no. Obviously this is not actually a picture of the Mob-tainted Big Dig, but another of the Globe's unintentionally hilarious photo/text juxtapositions that I love so well. Only this time, the photo is of THE GIANT MANHOLE FIRE that was 20 feet from my office early this morning. Fortunately, the fire was out before I got to work, though I had to go halfway around the Yard to get to a gate that was open. Still, it made for an exciting (if scary -- lucky the multiple exploding manholes and subsequent 20-foot flames happened in the middle of the night instead of, oh, when I and hundreds of other people are walking down that sidewalk as many of us do every single day, sometimes several times a day) morning.

It is pretty crazy to wake up, turn on the TV (when prompted -- I wouldn't even have known about this until I got to work if my friend hadn't texted me), and see the view that you can see out your office's conference room window, only with LOTS OF FIRE. Seeing helicopter shots of your office on TV is also not something that happens every day, unless you work on Capitol Hill or something, I guess.

I do get a kick out of the link on Boston.com to video of the scene: "SEE THE FIRE," it says. And it delivers what it promises. You will see the fire. After you finish watching a commercial about a bear.